The things that I have learned through divorce ... - Step Talk

I was brought up in a concept that it takes a village to raise a child. My grandmother lived with me for the first 9 yrs of my life, after that we still had daily contact. I knew that if I screwed up in the neighborhood, i would get a tongue lashing from the neighbor, and my parents would know before I got home. I was brought up that children were to be seen not heard, and that I was a direct reflection upon my parents, and that you respect your elders.

When I divorced, I moved in with my parents (mom and sd). They helped raise my daughter (10mo at the time) while I went to school. After graduation I stayed on with them, my sdad babysat, was my taxi service for DD back and forth to school. More importantly my dd was brought up with the same concept that family pulls together to help the one with the broken wing. I respected my parents home, I didn't like living there, but it allowed me to give a life to my daughter that we would not have had at the time- it was welfare, or parents). SHe had my sdad wrapped around her little finger by the time she was 18 months old. She walked on water - and he did too! my mom and sdad actually successfully blended a family. While my step sibs are not as "close" as my bio brother- we have one thing in common - our parents and it is enough to bring us together an keep in contact.

Right after my divorce, my mother sat me down (she was a NCP, and so was my SD). She let me rant rave and say mean things about my ex. Then we put our wine glasses down, and she said........now what are you really going to do - because the one thing you need to understand is that custody can change at any given moment, and you need to learn to treat him like you would want to be treated if he had custody. SO I was one of those annoying ex wives that constantly called.

I gave update about doctors appts
Dentist appts
school activities
daycare providers and choices
ear piercings
drivers ed
surgeries
bad attitudes and fights.
makeup
cell phones,
first tooth
first steps
etc.

He was a long distance dad from the time that she was 2.5. He received 90% of her school papers, knew what was talked about in every parent teacher conference.

If he would have helped me make the decision when we were married he helped me make it as her parent. In 19 years I never took him back for more support even though he is making 2 times what he was making when we divorced (she is a full time college student and we live in a state where he would have to help with that and support until 21). I never even thought about it. Occasionally I had to ask him for something extra. He obliged. He's remarried now has a young ss, I try not to ask for help now as I know he has a new family.

When I remarried, I did everything to be included and to include skids in our family. DH is NCP - I was met with resistance from the BM. Our 12 years have been hard, they have taken their toll on me. I took my role serious. I treated the skids like my own- what does that mean? They had beds, rooms, clothes, toys and experiences. If I would do it for mine I would do it for his. I love them dearly which is the reason that I am angry about what I have lost. I have lost the opportunity to love them, to know them, to be a part of their lives. They have lost the opportunity to love me, to know me, and to be a part of my life.

What would I like to tell BM
It takes a village to raise a child. I am not the mother, didn't want to be, but could have been a part of their lives that would have made your life easier.
I could have curtailed my husband's anger and turned that around into respect for you as a parent, instead your treatment of him regarding his place in his children's lives fueled even more - it became an all consuming inferno - I would like to thank you for that - it almost engulfed me to.
My skids could have and would have had everything or most everything that you wanted them to have (except the car).

BM, most of all...........they would have had their dad's love and involvement. For all your insecurities and fears you insisted on taking that away. 3 yr old children don't tell their BM's that they hate their dads house without guidance to hate. SS loved me we were inseparable. SD would have loved being here if you had told her that it was ok to love me. OH you said you did.

You have your children- congratulations - you have entitled children who hate their dad, who are angry and depressed, who have been in counseling for 4 yrs to deal with their "rough" life.

I sit back, toast my mom and say thanks, I treated my ex as I wanted to be treated if I was a NCP. I never lost sight that EX was the dad, as such he had certain rights, above all he had the right to be a parent and be treated as such.

just my thoughts tonight as I am sad that my skids are not a part of my family.

Source: http://www.steptalk.org/node/59426

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