If those onions were in ring form and dipped in a fried substance, then they would be okay. But they aren't. They are raw and potent.
If you love Chipotle and we are meeting for lunch, let's go somewhere else. Even if it has been a year since I ate there last and think it could work out just fine, remind me that it won't. I will dislike it.
Anyhoo...
I've mourned this week because my secret lover now has a girlfriend. Thankfully, I am not alone in mourning secret lovers, because a friend of mine is mourning the marriage of Blake Shelton that was occurring in our local hill country. ?:)
Let's just list my fantasy world lives...Prince William would have fallen in love with me as he watched me be an Olympic figure skater who could sing like Celine Dion.
Um, no, I never tried figure skating and I can't carry a tune worth a hoot...my poor 5th graders can attest to that for they have to listen to me each morning as we sing the hymn.
What is it about fantasyland that attracts us so much?
As a friend and I texted this week sharing our woes, hers legit, mine not, I told her that now since my secret lover had a girlfriend, I guess that might mean I would have to live in reality.
I told her that I was confident it would not work out well because reality would eat this girl alive!
She promised me reality wouldn't, but I beg to differ. ?;)
I've thought a whole lot about dreams...my hopes and dreams kind of stuff. Since my life completely fell apart and I was given a bit of a chance to start over, I've wrestled with God A LOT over my dreams. (I blogged a bit about it during my 365 days of walking through the Bible and you can read that?here.)
Through this process I have had to begin distinguishing between fantasies and dreams...hence the secret lover kind of stuff. ;)
I looked up both words, and actually, they are more similar than I thought they would be; but fantasy had one definition that stood out as a clear differentiation from a dream:
fantasy = an unrealistic or probable supposition
Becoming an Olympic figure skater that sings like Celine Dion and marries Prince William was a fantasy...unfortunate, but true.
A dream on the other hand could be attainable...with hard work and devotion and a bit of 'luck'.
A dream = a condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
Now, obviously, I have no authority over what I am about to talk about. My regular readers would find that statement laughable because they well know the only authority I might hold on any subject I might talk about here would be "how to over think and be neurotic"...oh, and "how to find solace in Starbucks and office supplies."
But, I will say I might be well versed in starting one's life over and trying to figure out exactly how to navigate through finding oneself through the process of losing key pieces to one's identity all within breaths of each other.
Years ago, I used to tell my best friend that the worst part of my day was ALWAYS the 20 seconds after I got off the treadmill.
After I would complete my time on the treadmill at the gym, I can vividly remember turning around, stepping off and having the rush of reality hit me squarely on, and I would often get a sick feeling in my stomach.
I would walk to the gym door clearly knowing that my mom was dying and my marriage/personal situation was in complete disarray. It was always a ton of bricks coming at me the moment I stepped off the machine.
See, for that hour or even longer (I would stay for a long time for this very reason) I would escape into fantasy land. I would watch "24" or a movie and leave the realm of reality. I would run to music or walk while I watched some girl kick the world's butt and look so cool doing it.
But the moment it was time to get off, I would turn and reality would be waiting for me...and my reality sucked.
So, now, as my reality is actually pretty darn great, and I have somewhat healed and traveled a tremendous road with God, I'm beginning to have more of a need to figure out who I really am, what I really want, and what is really fantasy and what might be a legit dream I want to work towards.
When I stop and think about what I want in life...I mean how I would picture my dream life, I have to say it would be that I was married, with kiddos, with a home that I opened up to friends. We would gather and eat dinners together and play together and make hoards of memories. My kids' friends would love coming over and playing at our house and my fridge would always be full of food for them to eat.
Basically, my life today would be very similar to what I had growing up, but I would be the adult this go around. ? :)
When I posted on facebook that my family home (of 31 years) had officially sold, many people commented on the memories they had made there. They are countless, and they all encompass relationships. They are memories of my family, friends, baby showers, and volleyball meals before the games. That home was a gathering place for lives and love to be shared.
But, now, that I find myself in a situation I never would have dreamed or wished for, I've had to discuss this all with God.
What should I be dreaming about? What should I hope for? What should I work towards and focus my mind on?
Because when one's dream is to be a wife and mother and to care for a home and family, it's a bit different than having the dream of running a half marathon or getting a masters degree one day.
One I can train for and work hard at and basically achieve if I set my mind on it. But, the other, isn't quite like that.
So, I've thought back a bit more...what about me? That is what I would want to DO with me or HAVE with me, but what about just ME?
When I went off to college, when I first set out on my own to begin living my life, what did I dream about then? Before I high jacked my life with idolizing marriage and allowing fear to creep in so heavily in that process, what were my goals and aspirations? What did I see as something I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. What did my heart also love besides having a husband, home, and family?
My answer was actually quite simple.
I wanted to be well read and to travel.
Originally, I wanted to major in Poli-Sci and go to law school. I wanted to travel the world and be cultured.
But I also had another high jacker of my aspirations, of becoming who I could have been...it was this thought of being "extraordinary". I had convinced myself that I was this extraordinary person trapped in something that everyone else thought was ordinary, and I was going to prove the world wrong.
Essentially, my pride high jacked my story, and proceeded to lead me astray...it led me away from becoming who I was or who I was intended to be and got me convinced that I ought to be something else.
What was scary this week, as I was wrestling over all of this, was how I saw the same predicament occurring.
I saw me falling into the same trap of desiring to be extraordinary...or desiring to be things other than who I am.
Frankly, it frightened me.
I watched an interview OF Oprah a few months back. ?She was sharing her story. It was fascinating really, but one statement of hers cut me deep and has stayed with me ever since. She made a comment on how she didn't try being someone else. She never tried to ask questions she thought someone else would ask or answer questions in the manner she thought someone else might answer them. She knew that her best course of action was to always be herself. Everything else would be fake and temporary, but being herself was honest and genuine and worthwhile. (Of course, she said it more succinctly, but it's been a few months and..I'm not Oprah.)
This week, as I was doing the same thing I did when I was 17, I told God and reminded Him how that thinking of mine led to many dreadful decisions and a life not rooted in reality, and asked Him to help me to stop thinking that way.
I've continued to mull this over and to continue to pray, to BEG God to help me let go.
My conclusion to all of this has been, as I am really trying to figure out who I really am, is to go back to what kind of person I wanted to be before I high jacked it with some other mess.
So, basically, that is someone who is well read and travels. Pretty simple really. (One might say too simple, but my argument would be that 'complicated' is highly overrated. ;) ?)
My other "dreams" or fantasies of what I want to DO with me or HAVE WITH me are just going to have to wait a little while; they are just going to have to be on hold until I figure out who I really am.
Two years ago, I was seeking healing and a deeper relationship with the Lord. I sought it and by His amazing grace I walked an incredible road with Him. I was focused and determined and wasn't swayed by other distractions.
I'm thinking I need to do the same with finding me.
And finding me doesn't include focusing on finding someone else to take all this lonely weirdness away, but actually becoming who I wanted to become in the first place.
Because right now, I've got time to do just that.
In a book I am finishing up, William Wilberforce stated, "As soon as I reflected upon these subjects the deep guilt and black ingratitude of my past life forced itself upon me in the strongest colours and I condemn myself for having wasted my precious time and opportunities and talents."
Wilberforce was referring to his passed time at college and younger years where he was known for having a good time. He was smart enough that it didn't take much for him to pass his classes whether he attended them or studied. He had been given time and opportunity (and talent) yet had idly wasted much of it.
I can't help but think about this time set before me. Just as in college, when I wish I would have studied abroad, listened more, gone further in my education challenging myself to be excellent and not just okay, God has given me time now.
Time to do just that.
I have time to read, to travel, to learn, and do many things that others don't have the time or freedom to do.
Do I have the life that I dreamed I would have at 34?
Um, NO. ?:)
But I sure do have a life. I've been given the gift of a life and a mind and a heart.
And, I've been given time...a precious commodity that I waste more than any thing else.
My prayer has become that I would let go of my fantasies and enjoy my reality. That my ultimate dream would be one of figuring out who I am...finding myself and not focusing on finding someone else in that process, but just finding me.
Just as my dream was to find God and His healing and grace in my life, I pray He helps me embrace my dream for finding me...which, honestly, just as He gave me the incredible gift of time in my healing, He seems to be doing the same for this.
He's just waiting for me to actually use it.
"There is a time for everything,?
???and a season for every activity under the heavens:
?2?a time to be born and a time to die,
???a time to plant and a time to uproot,
?3?a time to kill and a time to heal,
???a time to tear down and a time to build,
?4?a time to weep and a time to laugh,
???a time to mourn and a time to dance,
?5?a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
???a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
?6?a time to search and a time to give up,
???a time to keep and a time to throw away,
?7?a time to tear and a time to mend,
???a time to be silent and a time to speak,
?8?a time to love and a time to hate,
???a time for war and a time for peace.
?9?What do workers gain from their toil??10?I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.?11?He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet?no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.?12?I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.?13?That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil?this is the gift of God.?14?I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." Ecclesiastes 3:1-14
God has blessed me immeasurably...and He continues to do so. May I see this time as time to explore, to discover, to EMBRACE!
In Him,
Shelly
Source: http://searchwithallyourheart.blogspot.com/2011/05/but-wait-i-was-going-to-marry-prince.html
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